Great Expectations

HAS ANYTHING EVER HAPPENED TO YOU WHERE EVERYTHING JUST FELL INTO PLACE FOR YOU SO WELL THAT YOU KNEW THAT GOD WAS WORKING IN YOUR LIFE? WASN'T IT AMAZING?! I AM LIVING THAT RIGHT NOW, AND I AM SO EXCITED! I AM GOING ON A MISSION TRIP, AND RIGHT NOW GOD IS PREPARING MY HEART AND TEACHING ME, AND IT IS BEAUTIFUL! 

Hello, my name is Hunter Wengrow and I am a know-it-all. I am persistent and tenacious until I have my way. I do not like to quit and I do not like to back down. I do not like to feel small, and I do not like to admit that I am wrong. I do, however, love to feel in control and have a perfectly color-coded minute to minute schedule of my everyday life. (This of course leads way to lots of stress and tension because I have put myself in a place where the misplacement of a book on my alphabetized shelf can disturb me and so you can imagine what a delay in plans can do to my entire day, week, and pretty much life.) Lately, I have heard God say "stop organizing your closet by clothing type then length and then color and listen to me," and I have said to God "yes, I'll get right on that listening to you thing as soon as my life is in perfect order." 

I believe we all know where this story is headed. READ THE SIGNS, HUNTER. Is probably what you're thinking. NO GOOD COMES FROM THINKING YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE, HUNTER. HAVE YOU EVER EVEN HEARD OF JONAH? 

If you had a thought similar to the things above, then gold star for you because you already saw something coming this early in the story to which I was ignorant. Now that you mention Jonah via me guessing what you're thinking of me, yes. I have heard of him. And in fact, by life experience I feel like I have a deep connection with Jonah. My story today ends a little bit like Jonah's. I did not get swallowed by a whale, (I realize this would be a way cooler story, and I apologize for any disappointment you may feel upon reading this) but I did absolutely get thrown into a metaphorical sea so that the only thing that I had to cling to was God, and the only thing that I've been able to listen to lately is His voice. All of the idols that I placed above Him were shattered so that I could not return to them. I believe fully and truly that God ripped away from me the things I held above Him for my good and for His gain! I hurt, and I have been sad, but now I actually rejoice in losing the things that I loved. And here is why:

An intern at my youth group one time said something that has stuck with me, which is that
"in the midst of the storm, God sent a whale to swallow Jonah and that's the greatest blessing he could've received." 
Jonah's punishment for blatantly ignoring the voice of God was getting thrown into the midst of chaos. He deserved to have to drown in the mess he made, and for a moment there I bet he thought that he would truly drown in all of his sin, feeling worthless. But God's grace prevailed...in the form of a whale. (P.S. if you've ever doubted God's coolness/sense of humor- exhibit A of why He's basically the funniest and coolest God ever^). 

Now to my idols that got brutally and viciously destroyed- At the age of 16 I am about to graduate high school. Additionally, I am enrolled in a dual enrollment program so that I actually haven't even been in a high school for a long time because I've been taking college courses. Anyone that knows me (and isn't my sister) calls me "the smart one."  I've always thought that God would use me in that capacity- obviously I have this head start in life so that I can pursue a career to glorify Him, right? By 18 I should be a college graduate, I've always known I've wanted to go into ministry, and this is how it's going to happen. So I took my calling from God and I made my color-coded minute to minute plan of how I'm going to accomplish His plan for me and I've worked and worked and worked myself to death because of course God probably wants something extra difficult and extra special for me to accomplish so why not give my all and everything into pursuing being a doctor because that's a very well-respected and admired career which will give me the opportunity to travel the world and serve like God probably wants and it fits all of my criteria for accomplishing my life plan. This probably doesn't even sound too bad to you, because all I've wanted is to follow God's path for my life.

Well, I have blown off my devotions and I have said quick prayers and skimmed scripture lately because I have to focus on getting God's work done. I have taken on burden after burden to get ahead and to grow, and I can tell you exactly what that has gained me. Nothing. Nothing plus anxiety, actually. Here I was, thinking I was at the top of the world because what college doesn't want me to be able to brag on an 18 year old graduate and this is it, this is the year when my pursuit for what I thought was God's glory would become a reality. 

And then I got my first rejection letter. "Sorry," Vanderbilt said. "You didn't try hard enough," I heard. A few days later, my second letter came in. "Maybe," Wake Forest said." Everything you have worked for is a failure," I read. "I don't want to go to prom with you," he said. "I am absolutely and utterly worthless," I thought. Here I found myself like Jonah, floating in my self-made sea of misery, and then as clear as possible I felt God speak my heart and say "Just breathe." I, for the first time in my life, am relinquishing control. I want love to invade my heart. I want to live a lifestyle of servitude, of love and in everything I do I want it to be for God's glory and not my own. I am relinquishing my grip on my idol that is my dream of being a pediatrician. I don't feel shame or embarrassment for my rejections because God does not close any doors that he wants to be open. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my future, or as a career and I am actually happy about that. I'm free in the love of Jesus Christ my savior, and there is no shame in that. 

All I know is that I am called to love and serve, and the way my mom put it was this: if I imagine all of the pride and joy I felt in picturing myself as a doctor (which is becoming increasingly apparent is not necessarily God's plan for me), imagine how much more joyful and happy I will be when I find the place that God actually has designed perfectly with me in mind. 

Now, even before all of this I expressed a lot of interest in international ministry, and I signed up to go on a mission trip to Japan this summer. I am excited beyond belief about this trip and the way that it almost fell into my lap. I've prayed since the beginning of the year for the opportunity to go on a mission trip, and I never even had to search for this opportunity. I will spend two weeks there loving people, ministering to them,  and worshipping with them. I have no idea where this trip will lead me professionally, all I know is that God has called me to go and do his work. I know for a fact that because he wants me to go, I will, but I'm also going to ask that if you have read all the way to the bottom here and you feel called to do so, I would greatly appreciate donations toward this trip. I would like to thank you in advance for believing in me and in the work that God has called me to do...whatever that is. 

First, and this is key, I am learning to live and love in the place in life that God has put me. 

I am taking a break from carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders so that I can take the time to love and encourage people in the way that I'm called to do. I am not focusing on the next best thing, or ignoring all people and relationships to accomplish something else. I am simply experiencing and enjoying life in the place where I am, so that I can spread and share God's love anywhere and everywhere I go. I am beyond excited for this opportunity to accomplish that, and I thank you and love you for your encouragement and support!

If you personally feel called to donate to the Lifesong Japan Mission Team, here is a way that you can do that, which is easy and convenient! God bless, and thank you in advance!

https://www.youcaring.com/HunterMTJ2015

2015

My New Year's resolution is this: when I look back at 2015 a year from now, I want to be able to say I got a step closer to who I want to be. In everything I do I hope to bring glory to God and to walk on the path that he has set for me. Today I made a list of 50 tasks that I want to accomplish including reading a book every week, starting a Bible study with my sisters, and making all A's my first semester of college. In making the list I chose things I knew were manageable so that I wouldn't give up midway through the year. I want to persistently pursue the things I believe in this year, and I am SO excited for the opportunity that this new year brings!

Happy New Years!

Tree Branches

One time I was riding in a friend's car down tiny country roads and we rolled the windows down and blasted music. We were singing our hearts out completely care-free, but the driver accidentally hit some tree branches that had grown into the road, and they smacked me in the face. Some of my hair had gotten ripped out, and I had a bruise on my face for a day or two. This is an illustration of life basically. Some days you are just living life happily not looking for anything bad and then BAM. You get smacked in the face with a tree branch.

A few months ago I remember leaving my house and feeling free and happy and loved, and that all changed recently to the point where sometimes I have hurt so bad I don't even want to go to my church. I just want to stay inside my house and never leave again, and I have done this successfully for the majority of the last couple of months really. In the midst of all this I had these expectations that people would want to reach out to me and be supportive out of feeling sorry for me, but I was hiding all of this and nobody really reached in to help me because I did not make it possible for them to do so. I don't think I've ever been more sad in my life or more broken.   

I poured all of my self  into my work- my school work, my job, and everything else to keep my mind off of it.  Being busy, however, is not a cure for sadness. Using business as an excuse is like lying a rug over a huge mess; it’s still there and waiting for you, and you have to pass it and look at it. Everyday you have to consciously think about not thinking about it. As one of my favorite artists has stated “Bandaids don’t fix bullet holes.” Hiding and ignoring problems is a small, temporary patch over a gaping wound. In covering up all of my hurt I was plagued a lot with thoughts of self-hatred.

Psalms 23:1 says "The Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything I need.” I have distinctly heard God tell me that it is time to rest. That I can lay my head down and recharge my emotions, and it's all going to be okay. I can rest in that fact, and have peace. I already have everything I need! I do not need to add anything into my life to improve it. When hard times hit, I need not blame myself. I am able to rid myself of that anxiety and actually feel comfortable because I know I can rest in God and trust him to take care of everything else. Instead of hiding my problems from Him, I have brought them all to him and there is a real freedom in that.

Deuteronomy 31:8 says this "Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD is the one who goes before you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor forsake you,” and that verse especially speaks to me. In whatever I do I have the Lord with me, and that is so comforting. 

For anyone else who may be going through an extremely hard time right now, I hope my words can brings some hope to you. When you get smacked in the face with a tree branch, it isn’t the end. You will heal back, and you are not ever alone. A lot of times the thoughts of bitterness and loneliness are the devil’s attack points used to keep us down. If we are completely caught up in yesterday, we cannot enjoy today, and we certainly cannot plan and prepare for tomorrow. Drag your problems out from the dark and force them into God’s light. Do not let your problems lie under the surface. Bring them to God and let Him help to restore you. Whatever struggle you may have this week I hope that you are able to rest in Jesus and find peace in Him. 

To be Generous

I just want to begin this with saying: to the maybe only two readers of my blog thank you! Love you, Mom and Dad! 

Also this: I have an awesome life. God has blessed me beyond measure with a family, a church, a school, and friends that have poured into me in immeasurable ways, and I am so beyond grateful....but I am not the best at showing this. 

I spent a lot of time this morning reflecting on the life I live, and I am very selfish. The realization of that actually shocked me.  I mean, I've always considered myself a generous person. If you're ever hungry and you want half of my cookie, I'll share with you (unless it's a chocolate chip cookie because that's an entirely different thing). I've been generous to my friends with gifts, with driving so they don't pay for gas, and with picking up their lunch bills when we go out. I tithe exactly 10% to my church, and so I've always thought generosity was one of my best qualities. But in actuality, it's probably one of my weakest. None of the things I've said is enough because that is a shallow form of generosity- materialistic generosity. Today I want to focus on how I can be generous spiritually.

I remember when I was little and my mom told me to count my blessings the list used to go something like this: food, shelter, water, Disney. But today I'm realizing that those are not the most significant blessings I have been given. Today, if you asked for a list of blessings from me it would look pretty different.

I am grateful for the grace, the love, and the undeserved compassion I have received from Jesus Christ. I am grateful for the never-ending patience that he has given to me and the unconditional forgiveness I have received.

What good is it that I took my sisters and bought them milkshakes a week ago but on the way home I yelled at my youngest sister for spilling a little bit of it in my car? Maybe she's grateful that I spent money on her, but what she'll more than likely take away from that is that my generosity is limited. That maybe I can spare the $5 to buy her something but I can't spare her the patience to let that time be a sweet memory. I spoiled it because I was selfish. I wonder how many times I have done that to people. I wonder how many times I have sat at a table with friends and maybe paid for their lunch, but not listened to them speak about their problems and been generous with my time. I wonder how many times that I have driven people around, but on the inside I've resented them because I wasn't generous with forgiveness and understanding. I think about all the times I was having a bad day and focused on myself so much that I couldn't even be generous with a smile or kind word, and maybe I made someone feel unloved. That isn't who I want to be because that's not who I was created to be.

Today I am committing to being generous with all of my blessings. I want to live like Jesus lived, and Jesus made it clear to us that we are to be generous in every capacity. Jesus never told people to give him space because he was having a bad day. He never said "knock and I will let you in between 9-5 and 10-4 on Saturdays." He never said "ask and I will give it to you but only if you ask politely and you're appropriately grateful for what I give you." His generosity is limitless and unconditional, and that's the way I want to live my life. I want to bless everyone I know- the people I get along with and the people I don't. I want to share mercy, love, and patience with everyone I know. I choose today to lay down my selfishness, and be generous no matter what. When it goes unappreciated, when it is unreciprocated I will still be generous. I'm going to show generosity the way Jesus has shown it to me.