Tree Branches

One time I was riding in a friend's car down tiny country roads and we rolled the windows down and blasted music. We were singing our hearts out completely care-free, but the driver accidentally hit some tree branches that had grown into the road, and they smacked me in the face. Some of my hair had gotten ripped out, and I had a bruise on my face for a day or two. This is an illustration of life basically. Some days you are just living life happily not looking for anything bad and then BAM. You get smacked in the face with a tree branch.

A few months ago I remember leaving my house and feeling free and happy and loved, and that all changed recently to the point where sometimes I have hurt so bad I don't even want to go to my church. I just want to stay inside my house and never leave again, and I have done this successfully for the majority of the last couple of months really. In the midst of all this I had these expectations that people would want to reach out to me and be supportive out of feeling sorry for me, but I was hiding all of this and nobody really reached in to help me because I did not make it possible for them to do so. I don't think I've ever been more sad in my life or more broken.   

I poured all of my self  into my work- my school work, my job, and everything else to keep my mind off of it.  Being busy, however, is not a cure for sadness. Using business as an excuse is like lying a rug over a huge mess; it’s still there and waiting for you, and you have to pass it and look at it. Everyday you have to consciously think about not thinking about it. As one of my favorite artists has stated “Bandaids don’t fix bullet holes.” Hiding and ignoring problems is a small, temporary patch over a gaping wound. In covering up all of my hurt I was plagued a lot with thoughts of self-hatred.

Psalms 23:1 says "The Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything I need.” I have distinctly heard God tell me that it is time to rest. That I can lay my head down and recharge my emotions, and it's all going to be okay. I can rest in that fact, and have peace. I already have everything I need! I do not need to add anything into my life to improve it. When hard times hit, I need not blame myself. I am able to rid myself of that anxiety and actually feel comfortable because I know I can rest in God and trust him to take care of everything else. Instead of hiding my problems from Him, I have brought them all to him and there is a real freedom in that.

Deuteronomy 31:8 says this "Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD is the one who goes before you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor forsake you,” and that verse especially speaks to me. In whatever I do I have the Lord with me, and that is so comforting. 

For anyone else who may be going through an extremely hard time right now, I hope my words can brings some hope to you. When you get smacked in the face with a tree branch, it isn’t the end. You will heal back, and you are not ever alone. A lot of times the thoughts of bitterness and loneliness are the devil’s attack points used to keep us down. If we are completely caught up in yesterday, we cannot enjoy today, and we certainly cannot plan and prepare for tomorrow. Drag your problems out from the dark and force them into God’s light. Do not let your problems lie under the surface. Bring them to God and let Him help to restore you. Whatever struggle you may have this week I hope that you are able to rest in Jesus and find peace in Him. 

To be Generous

I just want to begin this with saying: to the maybe only two readers of my blog thank you! Love you, Mom and Dad! 

Also this: I have an awesome life. God has blessed me beyond measure with a family, a church, a school, and friends that have poured into me in immeasurable ways, and I am so beyond grateful....but I am not the best at showing this. 

I spent a lot of time this morning reflecting on the life I live, and I am very selfish. The realization of that actually shocked me.  I mean, I've always considered myself a generous person. If you're ever hungry and you want half of my cookie, I'll share with you (unless it's a chocolate chip cookie because that's an entirely different thing). I've been generous to my friends with gifts, with driving so they don't pay for gas, and with picking up their lunch bills when we go out. I tithe exactly 10% to my church, and so I've always thought generosity was one of my best qualities. But in actuality, it's probably one of my weakest. None of the things I've said is enough because that is a shallow form of generosity- materialistic generosity. Today I want to focus on how I can be generous spiritually.

I remember when I was little and my mom told me to count my blessings the list used to go something like this: food, shelter, water, Disney. But today I'm realizing that those are not the most significant blessings I have been given. Today, if you asked for a list of blessings from me it would look pretty different.

I am grateful for the grace, the love, and the undeserved compassion I have received from Jesus Christ. I am grateful for the never-ending patience that he has given to me and the unconditional forgiveness I have received.

What good is it that I took my sisters and bought them milkshakes a week ago but on the way home I yelled at my youngest sister for spilling a little bit of it in my car? Maybe she's grateful that I spent money on her, but what she'll more than likely take away from that is that my generosity is limited. That maybe I can spare the $5 to buy her something but I can't spare her the patience to let that time be a sweet memory. I spoiled it because I was selfish. I wonder how many times I have done that to people. I wonder how many times I have sat at a table with friends and maybe paid for their lunch, but not listened to them speak about their problems and been generous with my time. I wonder how many times that I have driven people around, but on the inside I've resented them because I wasn't generous with forgiveness and understanding. I think about all the times I was having a bad day and focused on myself so much that I couldn't even be generous with a smile or kind word, and maybe I made someone feel unloved. That isn't who I want to be because that's not who I was created to be.

Today I am committing to being generous with all of my blessings. I want to live like Jesus lived, and Jesus made it clear to us that we are to be generous in every capacity. Jesus never told people to give him space because he was having a bad day. He never said "knock and I will let you in between 9-5 and 10-4 on Saturdays." He never said "ask and I will give it to you but only if you ask politely and you're appropriately grateful for what I give you." His generosity is limitless and unconditional, and that's the way I want to live my life. I want to bless everyone I know- the people I get along with and the people I don't. I want to share mercy, love, and patience with everyone I know. I choose today to lay down my selfishness, and be generous no matter what. When it goes unappreciated, when it is unreciprocated I will still be generous. I'm going to show generosity the way Jesus has shown it to me.