A few months ago I remember leaving my house and feeling free and happy and loved, and that all changed recently to the point where sometimes I have hurt so bad I don't even want to go to my church. I just want to stay inside my house and never leave again, and I have done this successfully for the majority of the last couple of months really. In the midst of all this I had these expectations that people would want to reach out to me and be supportive out of feeling sorry for me, but I was hiding all of this and nobody really reached in to help me because I did not make it possible for them to do so. I don't think I've ever been more sad in my life or more broken.
I poured all of my self into my work- my school work, my job, and everything else to keep my mind off of it. Being busy, however, is not a cure for sadness. Using business as an excuse is like lying a rug over a huge mess; it’s still there and waiting for you, and you have to pass it and look at it. Everyday you have to consciously think about not thinking about it. As one of my favorite artists has stated “Bandaids don’t fix bullet holes.” Hiding and ignoring problems is a small, temporary patch over a gaping wound. In covering up all of my hurt I was plagued a lot with thoughts of self-hatred.
Psalms 23:1 says "The Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything I need.” I have distinctly heard God tell me that it is time to rest. That I can lay my head down and recharge my emotions, and it's all going to be okay. I can rest in that fact, and have peace. I already have everything I need! I do not need to add anything into my life to improve it. When hard times hit, I need not blame myself. I am able to rid myself of that anxiety and actually feel comfortable because I know I can rest in God and trust him to take care of everything else. Instead of hiding my problems from Him, I have brought them all to him and there is a real freedom in that.
Deuteronomy 31:8 says this "Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD is the one who goes before you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor forsake you,” and that verse especially speaks to me. In whatever I do I have the Lord with me, and that is so comforting.
For anyone else who may be going through an extremely hard time right now, I hope my words can brings some hope to you. When you get smacked in the face with a tree branch, it isn’t the end. You will heal back, and you are not ever alone. A lot of times the thoughts of bitterness and loneliness are the devil’s attack points used to keep us down. If we are completely caught up in yesterday, we cannot enjoy today, and we certainly cannot plan and prepare for tomorrow. Drag your problems out from the dark and force them into God’s light. Do not let your problems lie under the surface. Bring them to God and let Him help to restore you. Whatever struggle you may have this week I hope that you are able to rest in Jesus and find peace in Him.
